There I was, standing in front of you with tears in my eyes, unable to say what I so desperately wanted to say. You stood there, silently waiting as the burning in my throat intensified with each word that went unsaid. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t do it. My throat was on fire and I didn’t have the courage to put it out. I knew that your arms around me would smother the flames, and that your lips on mine would reignite them in a completely different way. But I was crying, and you were standing there looking at me with pity in your eyes. So I said nothing, my body frozen with fear as the fire raged on inside. And I let you leave.
The funny thing is that I had known exactly what I wanted to say.
I would have told you that I want you and that ever since you left all that I can think about is my head on your chest and your arms all around me.
I would have told you that I long for your legs to once again be intertwined with mine; how I miss the way you would move against me while you slept and the sleepy, confused face you would make when you woke up.
I would have told you that I still stay up late thinking of you. And that the first thing I think of when I wake up is you, too.
I would have told you that my days are empty without hearing from you, and that I still haven’t figured out how to fill the void you’ve left in my life.
I would have told you that you had awakened something in me that I had previously thought I wasn’t capable of feeling. That I don’t know how to go back to being my old self without you, and worse, I’m not sure that I want to.
I would have told you that I want to eat dinner with you even though I have to go to work at midnight, because the future wouldn’t matter if you were here with me now.
I would have told you that I miss your stupid sense of humor that used to make me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe, and the pleased little smirk you used to make as you watched me gasping for air.
I would have told you that I want to hold your hand as we walk down the street, because no matter how cold it is outside your hand in mine gives me all the warmth I need.
I would have told you that I want to make you so happy that as you lay in bed at night you start to wonder if it was all a dream.
I would have told you that I love your flaws, and that I love our differences, because we balance each other out in a way I never thought possible.
I would have told you that I want to be constantly surprised by you, to learn something new about you every day, because I can’t imagine ever possibly being bored by you.
I would have told you that I want to be what you reach for when you wake up in the middle of the night, that I would wrap my arms around you like no blanket ever could.
And lastly, I would have told you that I need you, and only you, in the simplest of ways.
But instead, I let you walk away. Because these are all things that I’ll never say.
Revised. Originally by Jordan Taylor.